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Issue 130
Self-Containment and Neediness in Relationship – Part 13
by
Hal and Sidra Stone  

We are each basically responsible for our own lives and for our own feeling of well-being.  It is necessary, in the final analysis, to be the responsible parent to our own inner child. We cannot expect our partners to carry the ultimate responsibility for this child. 

One of the fantasies that we all share at some very deep level is that the relationship will care for this child and we will all live “happily ever after.” That is not the way things work in this life.

In addition to the vulnerable child, there is within each of us a very needy child, one who will cling onto our partner with the panic of a drowning  person clinging to a potential rescuer. This very act of clinging makes our partner unable to help us, much as it interferes with the ability of the rescuer to perform his function when the swimmer clutches him frantically around the neck.

When you feel this extreme neediness or panic, you can know that you are in a subpersonality that requires your own attention. You may share this information with your partner, your partner may help you talk with this child, but you are the one who must listen to the child, find out what it needs, why it is afraid, and what can be done to help it so that you can take care of it appropriately.

It is important at some time in your process to differentiate between this very needy child and your vulnerable  child. 

Both can make a relationship more creative and both can effectively destroy a relationship. It depends on whether or not there is an aware ego that can use these energies more consciously.

In relationship, the reaction of your partner will automatically give you information as to which child is operating at any given time. Your partner will usually move in closer when the vulnerable child is present and will behave in a loving fashion. However, when the needy child is present, even if the partner begins by bonding in from the  good parent,  sooner or later the withdrawn parent will appear and sever all connection.

The lack of self-containment of this needy child makes relating impossible. An aware ego changes this because it knows how to express the needs of the child in a conscious way in order to get what it needs and wants. We each must learn how to express our neediness in relationship with awareness.  Otherwise it will sneak out in a million different ways and ensure the development of strong bonding patterns.

When we surrender to the process of relationship, we embark upon ajourney into unknown lands. We learn much about ourselves, the way in which we relate to others, and how we might best move forward in our own process. We learn who we are and how to behave responsibly both in terms of our own selves and toward otherpeople. We learn about how to truly be with another human being and how to truly be with our selves. 

We learn how to care for ourselves and how to nurture and protect our inner child in a more conscious fashion.

Self-containment is a necessary element in this kind of relationship.  Knowing about our selves, defining our own limits and boundaries, setting our own priorities, adhering to our individual set of values, recognizing our own contribution to a given situation, and being able to differentiate this from another’s are all very important.  

We can expect the relationship to enhance our process and to lead us further along in our own evolution of consciousness, but we cannot place this responsibility upon another person. We may help one another,  but the person ultimately responsible for our selves is ourself.

Issue 122
Enhancing Relationships – Part 5
‘Sexuality continued’
by
Hal and Sidra Stone 

Sometimes,  we have found an active sexual involvement in a deeply bonded relationship.  With the current emphasis upon good sexuality, we have seen a surprising amount of sexuality these days that is the bonded sexuality of responsible  parent to needy child.

The responsible parent is not a very sexual self and brings little excitement and depth to the sexual experience. However,  a responsible parent knows that sex is important for her child’s well-being, and many a responsible mother has made sure that her husband’s needy son gets his necessary share of sexual satisfaction.  

She may even keep an informal calendar in her head, knowing how many days have elapsed since the last sexual interchange. This is usually better than nothing, but it is not too great. Think of having someone make love to you for essentially the same reason that she makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the children.

When this kind of bonded sexuality persists, both partners are usually dissatisfied,  but it is difficult for them to figure out what is wrong.  They may have frequent sexual contact; they may even both experience orgasm on a regular basis. Nothing seems to be wrong,  but still, there is something missing. This is one of the bonding patterns that can be brought to one’s attention,  by personal sharing.

Another frequent type of bonded sexuality is the demanding father/compliant daughter.  This is the more classical sexual bonding pattern that we have seen in the past. In this,  the woman submits to sex because it is demanded of her. She may even enjoy it from time to time, but it does not emerge from her own sexual nature and she is not involved in the same way as she would be if it had.

Since sexual activity is not her responsibility,  she never gets to experience the delight of her own desire or the power of her own needs. We are not talking here of the physical coercion to have sexual relations,  we are just talking of the daily ordinary bonded pressure from the demanding  father in the man. The  pressure from the demanding father often comes about because the man disowns his vulnerability and neediness. 

He has a physical need that makes him vulnerable and he has an emotional need as well that wants to be wanted. If the woman in his life does not respond to him with her own sexuality, he often feels sexually inadequate and emotionally vulnerable, and as he disowns this, he is quite likely to move into the role of demanding father.

Issue 121
Enhancing Relationships – Part 4
‘Dealing With Negativity In Relationship’
by
Hal and Sidra Stone 

Most of us find that sharing our negative reactions with one another is even more difficult than generalized personal sharing of our process and feelings.  

Our vulnerable child is afraid of abandonment, our critic tells us that we are making mountains out of molehills, our pleaser tells us that we have to be nice to people or they will not love us, our nurturing parent tells us that our partner is unable to bear the pain that our negativity will cause, and our protector/controller most probably will warn us that we are risking the relationship.  

In addition to all this, we love our partner and, even in an aware ego, we do not want to inflict any pain. Unless we are in our judgmental parent and fully self righteous, most of us will not look forward to this part of a relationship.

But unfortunately, if we bury enough negative reactions, they have a tendency to build up and threaten the relationship. Those negative dragons have a way of growing extra heads very quickly when they are not dealt with appropriately.

There  is a point in all relationships  when the “falling in love” phase is over and we look at one another more soberly. Small annoyances begin to crop up. We suddenly realize that our partner does not close the kitchen cupboards after opening them or turn off the lights when leaving a room. Clothes are left lying around. Or, conversely, our partner is too neat and demands that we straighten up the house each day. One of us likes the window open, the other likes it closed. In the interest of peace, we withhold our reactions.

At some point, however, we must say something, or all our energy will be spent holding back reactions, and the spontaneity, vitality, and sexuality will disappear from the relationship.

Surprisingly enough, when negative reactions are shared through an aware ego, there is usually less discomfort than most of us might imagine. When we are sharing our reactions through an aware ego, there is no judgment and no blame. This makes it far more likely that our partner will be receptive to what we have to say.

Negative reactions, even  negative reactions that are expressed through one of our power selves, are not to be judged. It is simply a question of becoming aware at some point of where they came from.

Learning to spend more time in the aware  ego, and to express our negative reactions through the aware ego, becomes one of the working goals of relationship.

In a relationship that involves all of our selves, our partner is usually already aware of these negative reactions at some level. They have been transmitted in non-verbal form, energetically through body language, through our unconscious acts, our slips of the tongue or even through our jokes; therefore, they are rarely a total surprise.

Actually, the denial of these reactions has served to distance us from one another.  In most instances talking things out helps to bring us back together with our partner, and, quite frequently, creative solutions can be reached that can deal effectively with many of our irritations.

Negative reactions, when brought through an aware ego, can also break bonding patterns. If both partners are in their aware egos, they are facing facts, and it is quite possible to learn from one another through these negative reactions. For example, there may be times when one or the other partner in a relationship becomes too identified with the perfectionist, too much at the mercy of a critic, too frequently the rescuing parent, or too dominated by the pusher.  A clear reaction by the other may help to break the hold of that particular self and allow in something new.

Negative reactions, clearly presented, often signal the time for a change in consciousness. Relationships, when consciously lived, demand a great deal of all of us. When it is time to move on, to try something new, or to give up an old and no longer useful way of being in life, our partner’s negative reaction may well be the catalyst.

Upon close examination, we all find that our intensely judgmental negative reactions to our partners are a reflection of our own disowned selves. You have seen numerous examples of this in previous chapters.  

In a relationship that encourages the exploration of these negative reactions, you are therefore quite likely to be brought face to face with your disowned selves. Working with your partner in this way can give you an unparalleled opportunity to find out about these selves and embrace them.

This is another way that you can truly get the most out of relationship.  If you do not remain open to the possibility that a negative and judgmental reaction is a sign that a disowned self has been activated within you, then you not only lose an opportunity to continue your own personal growth, but you also may lock into a particularly unpleasant bonding pattern with your partner.

Your partner will then become more and more entrenched in the self that you disown, as you become more and more entrenched  in its opposite. You may become more and more responsible as your partner becomes less and less so;  you may become more disorganized and your partner more in control. This makes for great comedy, as anyone who has  seen The Odd Couple knows, but it is not much fun in a primary relationship.

Issue 120
Enhancing Relationships – Part 3
‘Personal Sharing’
by
Hal and Sidra Stone 

Personal sharing is a prerequisite for a relationship that is dedicated to growth and the evolution of consciousness. Facing facts is hard work, but it is important. It  is only through an honest confrontation of what is happening in a relationship that deep contact is maintained and that growth occurs.

Generally speaking, the more openness we can bring to a relationship, the better off we are. Holding back feelings and reactions usually has the effect of creating more and more distance between partners.

Sharing feelings, however, is frequently easier said than done. The feelings may be out of our sphere of awareness or they may simply produce too much pain, or the possibility of too much pain, if we try to communicate them.

It is also important  to be aware of how the inner critic attacks us very often when we cannot share our feelings. If we cannot share them, we simply need to be aware that they are there, that we cannot allow them expression now, and we must not allow ourselves to be criticized because we are unable to express them. We must know that at the right time they will be ready to emerge.

Much  of what we feel at any given moment of time is unconscious. All forms of psychological work are valuable, because they help us to learn more and more about the things that are going on inside of ourselves. We have already described how it is possible to share feelings more easily if we are aware of the many different parts of ourselves and how they might be feeling in a particular situation.

If we were to ask you how you were  feeling at this particular moment, you might not have too much to say. Imagine that we said the following to you: “We would like to know how the different parts of you are feeling and thinking right now while you are reading this  book. How does your intellectual self feel?  Your objective scientist? Your intuitive self?  Your vulnerable child? Your responsible father/mother and husband/wife?   Your free spirit?  Your sexual psychopath?”

These different selves would give very different answers, assuming it were possible for you to experience them at some level and  tune in to their feelings and thoughts.  What interesting conversations we humans would have, how multi-dimensional would be our communications, if we were able to bring to each other the fullness and richness of these many selves.

There is also a danger in the sharing process. This danger is seen particularly in people who have come from backgrounds where extensive personal growth work has taken place. What we see with considerable frequency is a compulsive requirement to always be talking and processing, no matter how the other person feels about it. In this kind of situation, there is no respect for introversion or privacy, and the people are not communicating from an aware ego.

When you are able to share personally from an aware ego, you find that you are in touch with the fear of your frightened child, the empathy that your vulnerable child feels for the other, and the cool clarity of your impersonal self, which can face facts just as they are and present them in a straightforward fashion. You will have an awareness available to you that can look at the  entire situation dispassionately and feed you the information that you need from moment to moment. This allows both the other person and you to react in a non-bonded fashion from an aware ego. You are both free to examine whatever is happening without trying to control the course of the conversation.

It is amazing how many times a seemingly selfish request, or a fantasy, or an apparently unfounded reaction will open up new vistas in a relationship or trigger a new step in the evolution of your consciousness.  

Roger is dismayed to find that he is no longer sexually attracted to Veronica, his wife. He has not told her this because, in his responsible father, he did not want to hurt her feelings, and he sees that she does everything in her power to be attractive to him.

He knows about relationship as a teacher, however, and he decides to take the chance and share this reaction with her. As Roger expresses his concern in a way that incorporates both his power and his vulnerability, he is surprised to learn that Veronica has been aware of this decreasing interest and that she, too, has felt a lessening of sexual desire for him. She, too, is unhappy about this, because she loves him very much. Her frightened child had not wanted to hear what was wrong and her responsible mother did not want to hurt him, so she had not said anything about this matter herself.

They continue on, allowing themselves to express any reactions that come to the surface. As the conversation progresses, they discover that Roger has gradually, over the past two years, given up his contacts with his men friends. He used to have many friends and had enjoyed meeting them for  dinner, but he began to feel that Veronica would be happier if he remained home at night. Without either of them being aware of what was happening, he had given up his meetings with his friends.

As Roger becomes aware of how important his friends are and starts making plans to see them again, Veronica suddenly remembers that she had planned to begin graduate school when their youngest child entered kindergarten. The youngest child is already in third grade and Veronica is still spending her entire life in the responsible mother role, caring for everyone and not beginning to pursue a career of her own. Both Roger and Veronica are delighted to find that their needs mesh. This is so often the case, if we pursue our personal sharing to the very end.

Veronica and Roger make plans that on Thursday nights he will have dinner with his friends, she will go to school, and the children will visit with the grandparents, who have been asking to see more of them. Thus, the parent/child bonding between Roger and Veronica is cut into for the moment, and new vistas open up for each of them.

Neither is hurt or feels abandoned (as the responsible parent selves had feared), and both are excited by their new plans. Their  sexuality returns automatically to the relationship. Sexuality usually returns to its former level of intensity in a relationship when a bonding pattern is broken and the next step forward has been taken.

Personal sharing does not deal with emotional reactions alone. This kind of sharing includes sharing in all areas of life. How many of us have thought at one time or another in our lives, “It’s fine that  I’m loved now when I’m behaving appropriately,  but what if they knew what I’m really like underneath?”  We have all been raised to hide as much  of ourselves, or, shall we say, as many  of our selves, as are necessary in order to gain love and acceptance.

It is in our relationships that we have the chance to open ourselves up to other people. Often in marriage, people are unable and/ or unwilling to show the fullness of themselves to each other when they are quite able to show these parts of themselves to a friend. This is a sure mark of a bonding pattern in the marriage relationship and an indication of potential trouble ahead.

Needless to say, most of us are usually not shy about personal sharing in areas that feel comfortable to us. Some areas, however, are more problematical. Others are areas we may never have thought about sharing with someone else.

Two topics that are frequently uncomfortable are our concerns about our money and our health. There is often a good deal of fear or vulnerability associated with both of these areas.

As we have seen previously, a worried vulnerable child invariably precipitates a bonding  pattern if it is ignored. Our vulnerable children have a habit of worrying about our aches and pains and about our financial stability. Therefore, if there is concern in either area, it is important to open it up for discussion.

The refusal to share one’s concerns in these areas of vulnerability almost invariably causes bonding patterns to develop. We have found that joint consideration of financial and health matters gives much comfort in most relationships and helps to promote consciousness and far better decision making when both partners have input in these areas. After all, both people will be deeply affected by whatever happens.

There is another area of difficulty so far as sharing is concerned, and that concerns something physical that bothers us about our partner. This might be a partner’s weight, the way she dresses, the fact that he is losing his hair. This is a particularly sensitive area, because if these kinds of feelings are not shared, they tend to grow out of all proportion.

The issue once again has to do with what part of us gives the reaction. An attacking father can be very destructive in a situation like  this. An aware  ego will be in touch with vulnerability, and it will come through very differently.

Last but not least is the sharing of fantasies. Most of us are not trained  to share our fantasies except, perhaps, with our therapists. Sharing fantasies, however, allows us to know one another at an entirely new level of intimacy.

We have already looked at the sharing of sexual attractions or fantasies about other people in our discussion of attractions and affairs. This is likely to lead to new growth in a relationship. It can also be used with great fun in actual sexual activities. Many people enjoy playing out their sexual fantasies with one another, enriching their sexual encounters and adding to their variety.

For most couples it is difficult to share fantasies, for they are often the core of our disowned selves. They represent our most private spaces, our deepest secrets, our greatest shame. To be able to open these parts of ourselves in a relationship is an act of great intimacy and courage.

This is an important part of who we are. What better place to show this side of ourselves than in an intimate  relationship? We say this knowing full well how much the protector/controller may not want this to happen. We must, however, repeat our basic injunction that the feelings of the protector/ controller must be honored in whatever we do and say.

In general, the point of sharing fantasies is to make us feel closer to each other. Sometimes, when we share a fantasy with our  partner, it plants a psychic seed that grows into reality. One never can tell what will happen once one’s fantasy is spoken out loud to a lover.

Issue 119
Enhancing Relationships – Part 2
‘Letting Go’
by
Hal and Sidra Stone

Most of us are strongly motivated to protect our relationships at any cost. Once our dominant selves, whoever they may be, feel that they have found a safe harbor,  they want us to stay put. They are not about to start out again on new journeys in unfamiliar waters. Perhaps the most difficult part of any relationship, and certainly one of the most difficult aspects of our own relationship, has been the process of letting go of each other over and over again.

We have found that as soon as we become attached to being together for the rest of our lives, the primary selves take over and begin to limit our possibilities. When we let go, accept the possibility that our relationship cannot be controlled and that there well may be surprises ahead, we are able to communicate more freely and completely.

We move into a position where we can receive input from selves other than the primary  ones. Our awareness is expanded, and our consciousness includes far more information than it can possibly receive from just our primary selves. At this point we can notice possibilities that had not existed before, our lives become more spontaneous and our solutions to problems more creative.

In our own relationship, we fully expect to remain together. After all that we have been through, it seems highly unlikely that a separation would occur. Yet we are also open to the possibility that the process of our relationship could lead us in another direction.

It is not what either of us would want at this point, but we profoundly respect the process of our relationship, how it has been our teacher, and how it is always possible for it to take us in an entirely different direction than is our conscious intent at this point.

This is a painful idea for many people. When they get married, they want it to be forever.

Of one thing, however, we may be sure: there are no insurance policies when it comes to primary relationship.  There  is only process.  

When an insurance policy is obtained, we can be fairly certain that a strong pattern of bonding will emerge in the relationship.

The price we pay for total security and well-being in relationship is, generally speaking, an increasing loss of vitality, romance, sexuality, and general creativity in the relationship.

This is not always the case, but we have seen it happen with considerable frequency. Because we basically feel that one needs to hold a relationship with great care, but in an open hand, this article is not intended as a guide for making any specific relationship work.  

If one follows the path of relationship, if one truly surrenders to the process of relationship rather than to the other person, then the relationship will take both partners forward to the next stage in their evolution of consciousness. This may mean that they will be together or it may mean that they will move apart. Whichever it means, the process will be a natural one that grows inevitably out of the deepest needs of the two partners.  

This does not mean that there may not be regret, sadness, or even great pain if a primary relationship must end, but it does mean that the participants will gain in wisdom and they will move forward in their personal evolution of consciousness as they move on from each relationship that they have known.

Sometimes it  takes many years for those involved to appreciate the gifts that a particular relationship has conferred, but each has, in fact, given them something.  Not all relationships are supposed to last. A relationship that may be appropriate for one period of our lives may not necessarily be appropriate for another.  

It is important to trust that this works both ways; either a relationship is good for both partners, or it is good for neither. Sometimes the relationship must actually break or time must pass after the break before this becomes apparent.  

For instance, Sam had been married to Joan for five years, but he was very unhappy.  Joan, in turn, was severely depressed. She had even required hospitalization from time to time. They lived a deeply bonded relationship, with his responsible father bonded to her disturbed daughter.  Sam, in the responsible father, felt that he could not leave Joan because he was afraid that she might commit suicide. It appeared to everyone that Sam was sacrificing his life for Joan and that she needed him desperately.

Finally, with great trepidation, and at a time when Joan was safely hospitalized, Sam asked for a divorce. Surprisingly enough, Joan recovered from her depression immediately, left the hospital, lost the weight that she had gained during their years of marriage, and resumed a normal life. The bonded marriage had been costing her as much as it had cost him.

A relationship that must end at one time in life because of the current level of consciousness may well be appropriate at some later time. Edith and Arnie loved each other passionately in high school, but  Edith felt that Arnie would not make a good husband. She wanted someone more sophisticated, a man whom she could look up to and admire, not someone she felt was her equal, like Arnie.

Edith’s inadequate daughter sought out a strong man to bond to her as a knowing, sophisticated father. She married John instead of Arnie because she was fascinated by his intelligence and sophistication. As the years rolled by, Edith lived a life of elegance and sophistication.  She integrated her own sophisticated lady and became quite comfortable with her own knowledge. She was no longer the ardent admirer of John’s apparent wisdom. They slowly drifted apart. 

It was the bonding of her daughter and his sophisticated father that had pulled them together in the first place. When this dissipated, there was nothing left to attract them to one another.  They  divorced.

Some time after the divorce, Arnie heard that Edith was free again, he contacted her, and they resumed the intense love relationship that had been theirs in the early years. Only this time it was a mature relationship of two aware egos, and this time it ended in a happy marriage that was a great source of comfort to both of them. 

Trying too hard to make a specific relationship work at any particular time, rather than trusting that it will work if it is appropriate, can be damaging to all concerned. When any of us is too attached to a particular relationship, too worried about losing it, then we are often willing to perform all kinds of psychological self-mutilation to ensure its continuation. If, on the other hand, we surrender to the process of relationship, we can trust that if we are fully ourselves, an appropriate relationship will prosper and an inappropriate one will end in a natural fashion.