Issue 129
Ritual and Spiritual Practices in Relationship- Part 12
by
Hal and Sidra Stone
We feel that the
inclusion of some kind of ritual or spiritual practice is another important
aspect of relationship.
These activities are quite
personal in nature and will vary
greatly from couple to couple. For some, membership in a religious or spiritual
organization and taking time to follow the specific practices of this group
will work beautifully.
These organizations
provide ritual observances that serve a variety of spiritual needs. Going
to the church of one’s choice, saying a blessing over one’s food, and keeping
the Sabbath are observances that have withstood the test of time. When they are
followed wholeheartedly, they bring many
couples the truly rewarding
spiritual experience they seek.
Other couples find
their needs served by spiritual organizations that have their roots in Eastern religions or in the Native
American beliefs and ritual observances. Many people have developed their
own spiritual practices.
Some couples find that
daily meditation together fulfills their needs for joint spiritual activity.
Others take time for prayers at a regular time such as at meals, in the morning
upon rising, or in the evening before retiring.
Other couples may join
groups that come together to observe particular holidays, not in a traditional way but in a spontaneously creative fashion
that changes with each
observance. There are many groups of this type that are involved in the
observance of the full moons, the solstices, and the equinoxes.
The aim of all of
these practices is the inclusion of spirit in the relationship.
If we think of relationship as a journey of
two souls,
then these are some of the rituals or spiritual practices that are
designed to invite holy energies
to join in the relationship, to
sanctify it, to guard it, and to guide it along the appropriate path.
As we have said, these rituals vary greatly from person to
person.
It is difficult for us to imagine
our own relationship without experiencing it in the context of its
spiritual underpinnings. We always know in the good times and the bad times
that there is a divine guidance that underlies our connection. We lose it with
great regularity, but we find it with the same regularity. Each partnership must seek its own
kinds of rituals and observances to sanctify the relationship.
Some of the rituals that can be particularly helpful are very
simple ones and may even appear to have little spiritual content. In the more
spiritual vein, we have learned to pray out loud together. It was a little
embarrassing at first, because personal prayer, as contrasted with the recitation of somebody else’s prayers, is usually a relatively private practice. But once we became
accustomed to doing it, we found that it was a very natural way to proceed. It
is particularly comforting at those times when we have done just about all we
can do for a situation and we feel the need to turn matters over to a higher
power.
It is strange how embarrassing it is for most people to admit to
their love of God. To admit it out loud is even more extreme. We both feel better for the practice. There are times when
things are just too much, and to turn things over to a higher power feels very
good. When this happens, invariably some shift takes place within us and in the
relationship.
People have created certain rituals to mark the passage of the
day. For instance, some begin each morning by making the bed together. For
them, this represents a way to
end the night and begin the new day. It is a way to separate themselves
from the dream world and to enter the material world.
Many people have specific early morning rituals. For some, it
can be making coffee or orange juice and bringing it to a loved one. Others bring in the
paper and read it together. Still others may have a specific way of trying to
wake up the late sleeper. Mornings, particularly, seem to be a time of ritual
observance, whether or not these are actually thought of as rituals by the participants.
We have found it particularly helpful to spend time in the
morning going over our dreams together and then taking some separate time for personal writing. This directs our first thoughts of the day
inward. It gives us each a chance to say hello to ourselves, to get a feeling
for what is happening within, and to set our priorities. We can use this time
to think of our current situation in
a larger perspective.
For many people it is a time for meditation or yoga, and these
become very specific spiritual practices. The spiritual process is different for
different people and may vary
considerably at different times in our lives.
It is important in a relationship to take the time to
honor the relationship itself. We think that all relationships need this if the spirit within them
is to be kept alive. Spiritual energies need to be able to access the two
people in a relationship. We must make room for them, and this means time alone
when we are fully open to their presence.
Some couples use their vacations together as a ritual, going
each year to a place of spiritual or emotional renewal. This is their way of
honoring their
relationship. Whether they go to their own summer house or to Hawaii or on a
trip to the sacred sites of the ancients, the intent can be the same and the
purpose can be equally well served.
Each of us has certain places on the planet that feel sacred to
us. It is these spaces that feed
us and feed the
relationship. We believe that finding the time to be in these places and
sharing them with one another adds great richness and spiritual depth to a
relationship. We have had many remarkable experiences on trips to sacred places
around the planet. We take our time and find our own special spot at each of
these places, and then we generally spend many hours sitting there.
We feel that, from time to time, a ritual of renewal of
relationship is important. A
repetition of vows reestablishes the original intent and directly invites spiritual energies to
infuse the relationship
anew. There are times when you might feel that a
new direction needs to be taken and that you must let go of the current form of
the relationship.
At such times, you may find it
helpful to actually remove your
wedding rings (or, if you have no rings, each take some other object that has
special significance to you), bury them in the ground for three days, and then
bring them forth and renew your vows with the request that you receive extra
guidance on your path.
We have mentioned the process of visualization, the dream
process, the “being” state, and learning to access the vulnerable
child. Each of these is a way of accessing spiritual energies. As we have said,
ritual in relationship and the inclusion of spiritual practices is important
but quite personal.
We have given some examples from our own experience as well as
others’, but this is something that needs to be developed individually
for each relationship.